Information
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Document No.
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Audit Title
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Client / Site
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Conducted on
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Prepared by
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Location
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Personnel
1. Does your boss say one of the following?
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1. "I love work....... I could watch it all day"
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2. "Excuse me....... What's my job title again?"
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3. "Wow! You really do know what your doing"
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4. "Minion! Should my trap door be here........ Or here?"
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5. "WOW! You have a great arse....enal of stationary"
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6.Great job (insert your name here), I appreciate all your hard work and I am proud to have you as a part of my team!"
2. Does your boss do one of the following?
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1.Stands in the hallway for 1 hour and 43 minutes with the same cold cup of coffee while their eyes follow you around the work area and grinning like a Cheshire cat?
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2. Constantly reintroduces them selves to everyone because they have forgotten theft they keep forgetting everyone's name?
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3.Asks you to come and 'help' them out and are astonish at how well you can press the the green flashing 'copy' button!
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4.Asks you into their office and ask you to stay standing...... Now just left.... A little more....
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5.Wanders around the office smoking Cubans and asking why all the women aren't in the lunch room washing the dishes?
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6. Occasionally walks throught the office area asking if their are any suggestions on how to improve the company and the tells everyone how (insert colleagues name here) idea last week worked so well they are going to get a bonus as a show of appreciation.
3. When entering a meeting room, does your boss do one of the following?
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1. Walk straight to the head of the table, declare the meeting open talk continuously for 53 minutes, approves their approvals and tell you to send him the minutes to approve!
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2. Walks in the slightly wrong direction as they enter, points their finger randomly around the room and suddenly discovers there is a table that has magically appeared the they are somehow drawn to the closest seat and are urged by an unknown entity to sit down!
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3. Walks in and asks where they can sit down, quickly reads the agenda....... Twice! (frowning heavily the second time) looks up, smiles and promptly says "Good morning"...... At 4pm!
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4. Walks in followed by two large men wearing grey overalls, sits at the end of the table furthest away from everyone else, and out of nowhere..... A white long haired cat jumps on their lap!
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5. Walks in, sits in the most comfortable looking chair, throws their legs up onto the table, looks at the youngest/slimmest/blondest women in the room and asks why the entertainment is sitting down with their clothes on!
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6. Walks in..... sits down...... and follows the agenda!
4. When on a business trip with you, your boss does one of the following?
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1. Sends you to get all the coffee food (and prostitutes if required) with your corporate credit card, and then tells you what you've learned from the seminar you missed!
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2. After texting you three times between 6:02am and 6:37 am for the address of the seminar that is in the same hotel that you are all staying in, they wander in 45 minutes late.... For lunch!
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3. Sits next to you the whole time and whenever the presenter is about to announce the defining point of their presentation, your boss leans toward you and says ''what did they mean by that?"
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4. Declares with feigned surprise that he needs to catch up with an 'old friend' in the next room. Walks out three minutes later with a nice clean brief case and removing latex gloves stained with some sort of red paint!
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5. Is not seen or heard from for the entire trip. When you next see your boss, they are sneaking out of the back door of the Doctors office that just happens to have a STD treatment facility, while vigorously scratching their crotch!
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6. Sits in each seminar, takes a prolific amount of notes and invites you to dinner along with any family members you may have in the City you are visiting!
5. When attending an employees send off/retirement party, your boss does one of the following?
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1. Drinks all the allocated champaign (before the party starts), and when presenting the gift, unwraps it for the person and drops it on the hardest, pointiest object they can find!
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2. Forgets the gift, forgets the bar tab, forgets the speech....... Forgets to show up!!!!!
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3. While presenting the gift to the person, gets the persons name, role and why they are leaving not quite right...... To the point of insult! Which your boss miss interprets as sadness about leaving!
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4. Shows up toward the end of the evening and declares that the person leaving should keep in touch, as the person leaves, your boss walks with them with one arm over the persons shoulder and the other arms hand reaching into their bulging coat pocket. that person is never heard from again....... Ever!
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5. As they are no longer his employee, declares the person was a great employee and-: A- if male, gropes and propositions his wife, including a cash! B- if female, gropes and propositions her refusing to pay owed entitlements without a "good incentive!"
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6. Opens the bar, presents the gift, and wipes away tears as they leave early to allow everyone to enjoy themselves!
6. If you were to bump into your boss at a social event, which one of the following would you do?
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1. Ask your partner to 'hold me back if they get too close'!
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2. Avoid them, as you are sick of explaining who you are and what you do!
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3. Avoid! Pretend not to see them and call in sick for the next couple of work days!
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4. RUN!..... You run as fast as you can....... just remember take your partner with you, if you care about them!
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5. You instantly stop drinking all alcoholic beverages and start taking coffee...... black! You know you need to keep your wits about you as you slip the desert fork into your pocket.... Just in case!
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6. You chit-chat and proudly introduce your partner knowing you will both be shown respect and decency.
CONCLUSION!
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What was your final score?
- 6
- 7-12
- 13-18
- 19-24
- 25-30
- 31-149
- 150
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Your boss is an arrogant, controlling, stuck-up asshole! They will gladly sacrifice you or any of your colleagues just to line his own pockets with an extra $2.55 (before tax!) Best to look into lots of training and changing careers, because if you try to work anywhere else in this industry, this boss will trash you to everyone when you leave! Best to work for the Easter Bunny! it's a specialised and highly trained position!
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Your boss is as useless as tits on a seahorse! Like a stethoscope for a witch doctor! Like a family tree for a monkeys uncle! They can't complete anything. They can barely start anything! You can't avoid these people as they are proactively inactive as a boss! Preying is your only hope! best join a religious faith, the Gods at least finished one book!
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Hang around, you will slowly learn how to do their job, you will eventually know how to do their job better than anyone else! When they retire due to "A medical condition.... I can't remember what its called.... Asylum or something like that!" they will write a fantastic reference that you wrote! But best to work at the elephants grave yard as they won't forget your name.
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don't waste time reading this..... Change your name, appearance, accent and country ASAP. Get a job as one of Santa's elves! The North Pole should be far enough away! I hope!
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Your boss is going to sleep with any man, woman or vacuum cleaner that moves, best to leave the boss in their inevitable red, itchy, puss covered existence and go work in the "Charlie Sheen home for Recovering Sex Addicts", at least they are less likely to hit on you!
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You currently work at the elephants graveyard with Charlie Sheen who only considers you as a friend! you both create toys, and export them to the north pole and have a side business importing chocolate for a large rabbit called Graham! And every second Tuesday, you have dinner with an old bearded guy who has a pain in the neck son called Jesus who always seems to put wine in a water pitcher, which really pisses you off! Oh, and you are very, very delusional! Or you are the boss! (but still delusional)!
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Don't fucking lie to me...... you must be unemployed (or soon will be with that attitude!)
